Well this is excellent, this is mighty good, this is mighty merry faith; ha, ha, ha; was ever the like heard of? that my boy Tom should run away from me, for fear of being forced to marry a girl he never saw! that she should scamper from her father, for fear of being forced to marry him; and that they should run into one another's arms this way in disguise; by mere accident; against their consents, and without knowing it, as a body may say? may I never do an ill turn, master Hawthorn, if it is not one of the oddest adventures partly ~  

But what pleases me best of all, master Hawthorn, is the ingenuity of the girl. May I never do an ill turn, when I was called out of the room, and the servant said she wanted to speak to me, if I knew what to make on't: but when the little gypsey took me aside, and told me her name, and how matters stood, I was quite astonish'd as a body may say; and could not believe it partly; till her young friend, that she is with here, assured me of the truth on't. Indeed at last I began to recollect her face, though I have not set eyes on her before, since she was the height of a full grown greyhound.

With all my heart, master Hawthorn, with all my heart, do what you will with me; say what you please for me; I am so overjoy'd and so happy ~ And may I never do an ill turn, but I am very glad to see you too, ay, and partly as much pleased at that as any thing else, for we have been merry together before now, when we were some years younger: well and how has the world gone with you master Hawthorn since we saw one another last?

May I never do an ill turn but they fit you to a T, and you look very well, so you do; cocksbones how your father will chuckle when he comes to hear this ~ Her father, master Hawthorn, is as worthy a man as lives by bread, and has been almost out of his senses for the loss of her ~ But tell me hussey, has not this been all a scheme, a piece of conjuration between you and my son? Faith I am half persuaded it has, it looks so like hocus pocus as a body may say.

Is not she a neat wench master Hawthorn? May I never do an ill turn but she is ~ but you little plaguy devil, how came this love affair between you?

Ay, but I must speak a word or two to my man about the horses first.

You need not speak to me, for it does not signify.

Get along, get along; (driving in Lucinda before her) you are a scandal to the name of Woodcock! but I was resolved to find you out, for I have suspected you a great while, though your father, silly man, will have you such a poor innocent.  

I was determined to discover what you, and your pretended music master were about; and lay in wait on purpose: I believe he thought to escape me, by slipping into the closet when I knocked at the door; but I was even with him, for now I have him under lock and key, and please the fates there he shall remain till your father comes in: I will convince him of his error, whether he will or not.

Telling me the truth quotha? did I not overhear your scheme of running away to night, through the partition! did not I find the very bundles pack'd up in the room with you ready for going off? No brazenface, I found out the truth by my own sagacity, though your father says I am a fool! but now we'll be judged who is the greatest ~ and you mister rascal, my brother shall know what an honest servant he has got.

You were to have been aiding and assisting them in their escape, and have been the go-between it seems, the letter-carrier!

Yes, you sirrah!

Go, go, you are a villain, hold your tongue.

This is mighty pretty romantick stuff! but you learn it out of your play books, and novels. Girls in my time had other employments, we work'd at our needles, and kept ourselves from idle thoughts: before I was your age, I had finished with my own fingers, a compleat set of chairs, and a fire screen in tent stitch; four counterpanes, in Marsailles quilting; and the creed, and the ten commandments, in the hair of our family: it was framed, and glazed, and hung over the parlour chimney piece, and your poor dear grandfather was prouder of it, than of e'er a picture in his house. I never looked into a book, but when I said my prayers, except it was the compleat housewife, or the great family receipt book: whereas you are always at your studies! Ah, I never knew a woman come to good, that was fond of reading.  

Have not I told you already my resolution? ~ where are my clogs and my bonnet? I'll go out to my brother in the fields; I'm a fool you know child, now let's see what the wits will think of themselves, ~ don't hold me ~

Tom, are not you a sad boy, Tom, to bring me a hundred and forty miles here ~ may I never do an ill turn, but you deserve to have your head broke; and I have a good mind, partly ~ what, sirrah, don't you think it worth your while to speak to me?

In a fault! to run away from me because I was going to do you good ~ may I never do an ill turn, master Hawthorn, if I did not pick out as fine a girl for him, partly, as any in England; and the rascal run away from me, and came here and turn'd gardener. And pray what did you propose to yourself, Tom? I know you were always fond of botany, as they call it; did you intend to keep the trade going, and advertise fruit-trees and flowering-shrubs, to be had at Meadows's nursery?

No matter, Tom, no matter; it was partly by accident, as a body may say; but what does that signify ~ tell me, boy, how stands your stomach towards matrimony? Do you think you could digest a wife now?

Is not this mighty provoking, master Hawthorn? Why, sirrah, did you ever see the lady I designed for you?

Respect, master Hawthorn! may I never do an ill turn, but he shall marry her, or I'll disinherit him! there's once. Look you, Tom, not to make any more words of the matter, I have brought the lady here with me, and I'll see you contracted before we part; or you shall delve and plant cucumbers as long as you live.

Why sorry? what then you won't marry her? we'll see that; pray, master Hawthorn, conduct the fair one in ~ ay, sir, you may fret, and dance about, trot at the rate of fifteen miles an hour, if you please; but may I never do an ill turn, but I am resolved.

Come in, madam, but turn your face from him ~ he would not marry you because he had not seen you; but I'll let him know my choice shall be his, and he shall consent to marry you before he sees you, or not an acre of estate ~ Pray, sir, walk this way.

How, Tom! how!

And pray, sir, who are your affections engaged to? let me know that.

Not I, not in the least; go about your business.

Well, Tom, will you go away from me now?  

Well, but Tom, suppose I give my consent to your marrying this young woman?

May I never do an ill turn, Tom, if it is not truth; this is my friend's daughter.

Well then, Tom, come into the air a bit, and recover yourself.

Give her to you! ay, that I do, and my blessing into the bargain.

What is there a lover in the case? may I never do an ill turn, but I am glad, so I am; for we'll make a double wedding; and, by way of celebrating it, take a trip to London, to shew the brides some of the pleasures of the town. And, master Hawthorn, you shall be of the party ~ come, children, go before us.

Why, brother, do you think I can hear or see, or make use of my senses? I tell you, I left that fellow locked up in her closet; and, while I have been with you, they have broke open the door, and got him out again.  

Well, you hear what they say.

I care not what they say; it's you encourage them in their impudence ~ hark'e, hussey, will you face me down that I did not lock the fellow up?

What then, I did not catch you together in her chamber, nor over-hear your design of going off to night, nor find the bundles packt up ~

Brother, as I am a christian woman, she confessed the whole affair to me from first to last: and in this very place was down upon her marrow-bones, for half an hour together, to beg I would conceal it from you.

What sirrah, would you brazen me too, take that (boxes him).

Why sister you are tipsey!

I tipsey brother! ~ I ~ that never touch a drop of any thing strong from year's end to year's end; but now and then a little annyseed water, when I have got the cholic.

Come, come, I see well enough how it is, this is a lye of her own invention, to make herself appear wise: but you simpleton, did not you know I must find you out?

Cocksbones, Jack, honest Jack, are you there.

Your servant again, and again, heartily your servant; may I never do an ill turn, but I am glad to meet you.

Pray Sir William, are you acquainted with this person?

What, with Jack Eustace? why he's my kinsman: his mother and I are cousin-germans once removed, and Jack's a very worthy young fellow; may I never do an ill turn if I tell you a word of a lye.

Well, but Sir William, let me tell you, you know nothing of the matter; this man is a music master; a thrummer of wire, and scraper of cat-gut, and teaches my daughter to sing.

What Jack Eustace a music master! no, no, I know him better.

You are not, you own it then?

Well brother, what have you to say for yourself now? you have made a precious day's work of it? had my advice been taken: oh I am ashamed of you, but you are a weak man and it can't be helpt; however you should let wiser heads direct you.

Ay, do sir forgive her; my cousin Jack, will make her a good husband, I'll answer for it.

Come turn out of the house; and be thankful my brother does not hang you, for he could do it, he's a justice of peace; ~ turn out of the house I say ~  

Who gave you authority to turn him out of the house ~ he shall stay where he is.

He shan't marry my niece.

Shan't he? but I'll shew you the difference now, I say he shall marry her, and what will you do about it?

And you will give him your estate too, will you?

Yes I will.

Why, I am sure he's a vagabond.

I like him the better, I would have him a vagabond.

Brother, brother!

May I never do an ill turn, but I say so too.

Here young fellow, take my daughter; and bless you both together; but hark you, no money till I die; observe that.

On earth, if there's ought of substantial delight,

'tis sure when like us a fond couple unite;

when blessed in each other their struggles are o'er,

and pleasures are heighten'd by pains gone before.

Why, here's my hand, and we will enjoy ourselves, heaven bless you both children I say ~ sister Deborah, you are a fool.

You are a fool brother; and mark my words ~ but I'll give myself no more trouble about you.